The Past

I found this from a really long time ago.




Once upon a time..
My world was at an end
And once upon a time
I knew there was no escape
Picture..If you will
A rolling, blank abyss
With pictures of life flashing by.
Each one striking a memory.
The tines you thought horrible
Seem, now, like such an escape
You want so much to go back
So much it leaves you in tears
Feeling as though your body is left in pieces
Each one bleeding
Like someone has…
Driven a stake through your heart
Twisted and bent
driving it deeper
Then ripping it out with such force
That is shatters
Like glass
Sending shards through your chest
Your arms, your body..
You lay paralyzed on the street
Wehre nobody stops to help
Stepping on you, they take no notice.

Another one for the books.

I'm not sure if he understands how much I care about him...
It seems sad, that I can go for so long without talking to him...thinking that he just doesn't want to speak to me..and still like him as much as I do. Honestly....Over the past 5 years...I never stopped liking him. I pretended to like other people, to ignore the fact that I still thought of him a lot.. I even tricked myself into thinking I was in love with someone else. A person who promptly cheated on me shortly there after. Woo. I realized it probably wasn't the smartest thing to do...Pretend like he didn't exist.. I should have tried harder to contact him...Even though he never replied to text messages..or answered phone calls...I'm sure there was something else I could have done. And I regret it now...not telling him how I felt. Waiting this long..

And now that i've told him...He doesn't believe me..
It may have been the things that have hurt him...or it may be that i'm just not worth it. The fact that it was kind of rushed...that I finally started talking to him again..that I was trying to make up for lost time...That probably didn't help. I can understand that two people feel completely different things...dispite what they have done.. How one person can still have feelings for another..and the other can have completely forgotten about them. I understand it...but I don't. I guess it's just from my point of view..
I'm not sure what to do... If I should keep pushing the subject...or just give up. I don't think he wants anything to do with me in that way...yet i'm afraid that if I give up then I will have missed out on something.. like..If I push hard enough...something will happen..
Then again...I don't want to force anything...
Do you see my problem?

The way he talks to me...seems like he's uninterested in talking, yet, occasionally, he says he loves talking to me or i'm fun to talk to or something. So...i'm very confused about it all...he says one thing...but acts like another..
I believe him, and I completely trust him.. It's just hard to tell..
Either way I can't help the fact that I love him. And I can't help the fact that he doesn't believe me. Or doesn't want to deal with that...and is ignoring it or something...
I'm not sure if I want to find out...

Breaking. [Song Lyrics© Me]

As I lay
Looking deep inside myself
I find that all I see is you

Try to find my way
With myself, no one else
Somehow I keep coming back to you

But I can't see
These lies have blinded me
Giuding lights have faded
And now here I stay
So alone, so scared

What have you done to me
Breaking down my walls
You let me fall
Begging on my knees, you walked away
Still all I see is you.


Look at me
See how you've torn me apart
With my broken heart
I try to walk away

You promised me
You'd never let me go
But where are you now

I promised you
There would always be a place
for only you in my heart


And I want you to know
I'm still here....

What have you done to me,
Breaking down my walls
You let me fall
Begging on my knees, you walked away
Still all I see is you

somehow seeing only you..

Truth

There will probably be mixed reviews about this post. Some calling me a hypocrite, some agreeing, and of course those that don't really read it but criticize anyway just to be a pain in the ass.
But...What happened to all the truth?

In my life..I've had the misfortune to run across many liars..actually, most of the people in my life are liars. Except those proud few people I hold closest to me. It has also been my misfortune...rather, my stupidity I guess...To believe the things that these people say. I am not pure. I tell lies, and I'll admit that to anybody who asks. I try to avoid it as much as possible, but it is part of human nature. But for some reason.. I keep believing these lies that people tell me.
Important things...Like "I really do care about you." and "Your secret is safe, I would never tell anyone, what are friends for?"
And honestly...I'm broken from it. I have no trust. I wish I could say that I just brushed it off and moved on with my life, but honestly, it's really hard to do that. I don't know if anybody else out there feels the same way, but when somebody tells me something like "I care about you" or shows some sort of affection, I take it to heart. I believe that if you're going to say something like that there is a reason, and I connect myself to that person...I guess..I'm not sure how to phrase that.. I feel as though if somebody cares for me, I should care about them, and it should be an honest thing. In the same sense, When I say I care about somebody, I mean it. I don't think emotions like that should be tossed around like a child's toy.
And when somebody lies about that sort of thing...
It's like all the emotion I felt seems pointless, almost as though I am pointless, just a thing of entertainment. It literally pains me to have my heart broken in such a way. A physical pain.
I think that...even if you don't want to hurt somebodies feelings..telling them that you don't care for them is so much less painful than continuing to fake like they are important to you.

I am the kind of person that does not like causing other people pain...Part of my life is to make people happy. So I know how hard it can be to tell someone you don't care about them. And I made the mistake of pretending once. I didn't realize how much pain I cause that person until the same thing happened to me. Then it happened again....and again...and again.
I see now that, instead of making that person suffer for so long, it would have been far less painful if I had just been honest.
And now I'm suffering again. I told myself I deserved it, the first time is happened to me..and the second..and..I still want to say that I deserve it. I'm told that I don't, but I really feel deep down...that I don't deserved to be loved. In any way. I almost feel guilty when I am. I feel like..I need to prove that I deserve affection. Yet..I don't know how to..
When I'm attached to someone...it's fully. Not just "Oh yes, I love him." and the next week "Oh, he's old news." When I make a connection with somebody...I put all of myself into that bond. It makes me feel whole to make them happy, to see them smile. Any compliment ever said couldn't match the satisfaction and the fulfillment of hearing them say "You make me happy" or "I feel special when I'm around you"
Because, when I'm with someone, their happiness makes my world. I will give anything.

Which is why I don't understand...How someone can lie about caring about someone..
How someone can turn that affection and emotion into a game. Or a fling. I don't see how people can say "oh, well since I'm here, I'll pretend I like them so I can have their companionship" but after a week, just let it go like it never really mattered. And feel nothing.
How can somebody do that and feel nothing at all about it. No guilt, no sadness. I don't know how someone can sleep kn owing how much pain they cause someone else, how they can have pleasant dreams when they person they've lied to lays in bed crying themselves to sleep, wishing they weren't alive because they feel worthless and used.
They ask themselves if they will ever have something real. And from that moment on..they can never fully open themselves to someone again because they're so afraid, so afraid that once they do, that person will just toss them aside again, raping their emotion and leaving them for the next person.
And because they can never open up, they can never have something real. That fear prevents them from being loved. They feel like they don't deserve the affection their give, like taking it makes them greedy, or needy. It ruins people. And those people have nowhere to go.

There is no way to talk about something like that, because, if you haven't felt it for yourself, you wouldn't understand the amounts of pain these people suffer through. The emotional pain gets so intense that it creates a physical pain. These people lay in their beds at night, in agony. Thinking that they will always be laying there alone, never having somebody to share that companionship with. Never having the comfort of waking up to a smiling face or falling asleep in somebodies arms. The fear of being alone, in my opinion, is one of the most painful fears of them all. Because if somebody is lied to..then finds something that feels honest, they will cling to that with all their hope. They hold on to it so much that eventually they lose it, because they tried too hard to keep it alive. It's almost like hugging a puppy so hard that it suffocates. And the sadness created by it is almost the same.
The pain can ruin a person..permanently. All because of a little lie. Instead of somebody being honest, they pretended to feel something.


And the people that are lied to....never lose the hope that maybe the person that lied to them...maybe there was a bit of truth in the lie....maybe someday it will be the truth. They cling to this hope, knowing it's the only thing that keeps them from losing everything. The weight of it all barely balanced out by this hope..


Whats the point of all of this crap? I don't want anybody else to have to feel that pain. If this stops even one person from lying about something like this..Then it spared one person from having the rest of their life changed by something so small...


I'm sorry it's a lot of rambling...but there's really no way to put this kind of thing into words that express the importance of it. But nobody really reads this anyway.

Cellphone Ramblings

Sometimes i hae to be my own best friend, because nobody else can understand what i'm going thought because nobody else has been me. I just want someone to care, so I dont feel alone and useless. Someone to tell me that it's okay to be me for once, and will still care when I am. i dont want to feel the emptiness that I feel when I have time to think, and i dont want the silence to remind me just how alone I really am. I dont want to try so hard for something when in the end it was never going to happen in the first place. i've tasted failure too many times to know how it feels to succeed. It's so quiet here, in my emptiness, It's been like this so ong that i'm almost afriad os sound. When I have something I'm so afraid of losing it. So afraid that I hold on to it so tightl that it slips away..Love...Friendship.. So I try to step back and give it space to bloom. but i step back too far..and it goes away, becuase it seemed like I didn't care. No matter what I try it always backfires, like i'malways doing the oppisite of what i'm supposed to be doing. even though I try to do whats right it always seems to turn out wrong. and when I do wrong it always turns out worse. I really hope nobody else has to go through this, becuase It's a really shitty thing to have to deal with. And i'm sorry if anybody is. I'm sure theres somethingthat can be dont to help it....I just haven't found it yet.

What goes around comes around

Well I guess I was right...or maybe I was wrong.

He never really loved me...or if he did, he found a way to ignore it untill it went away.. I honestly dont know what to do now, it's something i've known for a long time now but to actually hear him say it.. It's like when people say that have an empty feeling on the inside.. I know what they mean now. I dont understand how someone can have the ability to lead someone else on and tell them how much they love them and how much they want to be with them..just for fun? It must be like a game to them or something. Just a little pass time to entertain themselves when they're bored.

"hey, why not fuck with someones feelings today"

But then again, maybe it was my fault. Did i not make him happy? Did i not try hard enough to let him know that I cared? Maybe the fact that I hoped for too much and took him seriously when he said he loved me....maybe that had something to do with it. Maybe he did really care, and somehow he moved on.

I know i'm obsessing over it but what else can I do? He left a hole and I cant seem to find a way to fill it. I write about it so I dont have to think about it. If it's on paper, it's out of my mind. I still cant stop thinking about him, my friends want to kill him and I still want to be with him.

I really should have seen it coming... I guess I was just blinded by the fact that he was giving me something I wanted for so long, someone to hold on to, laugh with, cry with. Someone that actually gave a damn about what I was feeling and thinking.. I set my self up for that one.

there were other ways he could have gone about telling me that he didnt want me anymore. or ever (?) Like he could have just said it instead of ignoring me for weeks on end, making up the WORST excuses i've ever heard in my life. But whats happened has happened...and as much as I wish I could change his mind...as much as I want him to be in love with me..for real this time..I cant. I have nothing else.. Nothing but his friendship and nobody to replace him. I dont know what would hurt more...not talking to him...or talking to him knowing that he will never feel the same abot me as I do about him.

Deviantart Rant

Ok well as some of you may know (which is nobody) I have an account on DEviantart.com for my....art stuff of course. And I think someone got into it and is using it. I'm not sure about it yet so i'll have to check it when I get home but if they did..THat would piss em off so bad. Of all the things that make me mad,  taking someone else's site and name is probably in the top three.

First off, if you're too lazy to make your own site then you shouldnt have one. Second, it's a copyright violation. If I find out that someone has taken over my site then I will find out who an they will pay. 

This must be what I get for not signing on to it in a while. Of everything that could have gone wrong and made things worse. This is probably the worst it could be. The gods have conspired against me and oh boy did they do a good job.

I'm going to hunt this person down....

Mightnight Writing

Well here I am. I honestly cant figure it out.. I cant tell if you actually cared or if it was all just a bunch of bullshit. when you said you loved me, did you actually mean it? Or were you just saying it for fun. Was it some stupid little passtime, was there anything there at all? Because the way you are now... Honestly I believe it was all a lie. You dont talk to me, and chances are, you never will again. All because of what..You're busy? Good excuse. You would think that if a person really loved someone, they would take time to talk to that person at lease..once a month? Maybe I was stupid. Maybe I shouldnt have fallen for it at all, but what was I supposed to do, just ignore the fact that I love you? not fall for it when you finally said you loved me after i'd waited so long, through all your other girlfriends, all your shit untill you finally said what I had been waiting to hear?
All those happy months seem to have ment nothing to you, when they ment the world to me.It's what i lived for, hearing your voice, making you laugh.. but then you stopped talkign to me, and refuse to now. Where the fuck does that leave me? Three years of waiting, four months of bliss, all to be forgotten? what kind of sick game is that. Fuck with someones heart then leave them in the dark? Do you even know or care about the fact that i've cried over you? More that once even. That i've thought more, dreamed more, and wanted more with you that I everhave for anyone else before. I guess I set myself up to fail with you. I never seemed to make you happy for long anyways. Who knows, it might have even been a pity thing. A pity thing that's ruined every chance of me ever trusting myself with anyone again. i thought I had gone through this enough. I honestly thought you wouldnt do this to me, I guess I was wrong, you're not just like them, you've made me feel worse. Congratulations. And we never actually went out. That should have been my first sign. It was all promises and words, and when the time finally came you didnt want to see me. It would have been so much easier for both of us to break my heart face to face than to draw it out like this. Then again, I guess I would be the only one to benifit there. Then I would actually know what the hell is going on, and you would have the weight of seeing the life leave me and you toldme you didnt want to talk to me anymore, then again, i'm not sure it would have bothered you. I thought you would have known what would happen if you did this to me, leave me alone like this. At lease you should have guessed, by the way I felt about you and what I said. I guess not because here I am.
You taint everything I do, I cant go anywhere or do anything without asking myself if i'll ever hear from you again. If i'll ever see you. Even if you're happy at that moment in time. Isn't that fucked up? As much as I'm dying right now, I still want you to stay happy. I want you to be enjoying yourself with whatever you're doing. I want you to sleep peacefully on the nights I cry myself to sleep. I want to hate you and blame you for everything, and never forgive you, but the fact is, i've already forgiven you. Theres no way I could hate you, I keep blaming myself. Defending you from myself. I always find something i've done wrong to explain why you're doing this. Hell, I dont even know if you know that you are. I want to think you do, but the part of me thats hoping you'll suddenly return says you dont, and you dont mean to do this to me. Guess which one's winning.
I really dont want to feel like this anymore. I want you back. I get that you're busy, but please... I cant take this,i need to know whats going on, I need to hear you say it, even if it's that you moved on and got over what it was.
Thats a lie.... I want you to come back. Please just come back, I dont know what to do anymore,i keep thinking about all these promises you made to me, everything you said you wanted. I'll do anything to have that back... I cant hate you, I cant blame you and i've already forgiven you. I dont know what else to do.. If you're not going to love me, please help me. I always said i'd be there for you no matter what..now I need you.
Please...

As I Dream

As I lay receding into my mind, my thoughts always seem to wander back to you, there’s always something new to thing about, our future, our past, our now and whenever. Daydreams come and go, some so simple and real, to those most wonderfully outrageous.There’s been times when you've said things..without realizing, that rip me apart inside, an effect nobody has had before. without realizing, you have the power to shatter my world...my very existence...I must be a glutton for punishment...always checking, always hoping...You anger becomes me pain and your sadness my downfall, yet I cant stop thinking about you.. I've tried so hard...So hard to find my way without you...but I always seem to end up back where we began. It's like a circle, feeding my desire and my pain...My worst moments with you...my best in your presence..So I lay here, when sorrow comes in liquid drops, and work up the courage not to care anymore. I call for you...in simple words, meant both as a hello...and a farewell, expecting nothing in return, for you to be gone forever-may forever be so short.But...You reply..Startled, I look down. The voice of hope saying it's really you, but fear gives way to denial and I turn away..But I'm a glutton....I look..It's you.My very essence implodes from joy, of happiness. a feeling so intense, no words would dare to describe it. Fit to burst, my soul lifts from my body as I reply, Speaking only what comes to mind, too caught to care. What you say in return brings me to a new height, joy seeping from my eyes..Eventually I know the cycle will return...but in this moment, I chose to swim in my joys, wallowing in each second.When you wither, I once again recede into my mind, enveloped in my thoughts of you.The more time passes...the further I have to reach to find you.. Day by day...the warmth slips awayMy feet keep wandering, not going or coming...only pacing..Searching for a release from the watching...from the waiting...Until my love will return to me once more..

Deepest Feelings

They were right, I need to stop. But I cant find a way to tear myself away from him. I don’t know why I’m so screwed up or why I cry about him, I haven’t even met the guy.
My stomach always flips when I see his name on my phone, and somehow, even when he says something that hurts me, I cant help but want more. At least he’s talking to me, and when ever he says he’ll leave me alone because I seem upset I get so afraid. I don’t want him to leave me alone, I don’t want him to stop talking. I’m scared of being without him, and when he says he wont leave, I can never find anything to say, I always come up with something stupid like “ thank you” or “I’m sorry” and what hurts the worst is when he replies with one word answers, like “yup” or “sure”. I can never find anything to say back. I always end up saying I’m fucking sorry even though I know it pisses him off, but what am I supposed to say when I do something wrong?
I’m too afraid to tell him whets really the matter, I’m too afraid I’ve become too attached to him. I’m afraid he doesn’t feel like that…or never really did..
I’m too attached, but I don’t know how to stop, or even if I want to stop.
I’m just really scared…scared that I’m not good enough, scared that he was only saying it to make me feel better, scared to do anything or believe anything because I’m scared of being hurt. I’m scared of being vulnerable, I’m scared or embarrassing myself by putting myself out there to be shot down. I’m always afraid and I always have been.
I hate it when I cant find anything to say or I say something stupid because I’m so afraid he’ll stop talking to me again, and when he says something nice I till cant ever figure out what to say back because I’m afraid I’ll say the wrong thing and upset him again. If I’m crying because he isn’t talking to me and then he says something, I cry harder because I’m so happy and so scared and so surprised all at the same time. And I don’t know what to say, not just because I’m afraid, just because there’s nothing that comes to mind. If there’s something there, I just shove it away because it’s stupid or it isn’t good enough. So I just throw something in there and ..I don’t know, it’s either stupid or makes me sound like I don’t care. I want him to call when I’m crying like this, but at the same time, I hate crying, and who wants to talk to some cry baby anyways..
I just miss hearing his voice, and it makes me feel so much better to hear it but I don’t want him to hear me like this, especially when he cant do anything about it or…if he doesn’t care.. I hate thinking like that, because I want with all my heart and soul to know he does and to believe him fully when he says he does.. But there’s always, always doubt. I don’t know why. Maybe because all my life I’ve felt as though people look at me differently then they look at everyone else, and the different isn’t good.
It always seems like they’re looking only at my flaws, and nobody bothers to look at anything else, so every time someone-especially him- says something good about me, I never know how to react, because there’s always that feeling that they’re saying it out of pity. Then there’s times when he says something, that goes against something he’s said before…like something about how he couldn’t remember what some pictures looked like…then when he isn’t thinking says something about how they looked… then it seems like he’s trying to cover it up.
These are the kind of things that I notice, things that I think make me suspicious about everything else. Then he starts with the one word answers again…and I get scared. Even if things seem suspicious, at least he’s talking to me and acting like he cares. And I don’t want to let that go. I want to tell him so badly that I’m crying because I want so badly to feel like he cares, but I don’t know how, when he seems happy and I don’t want to kill that. I guess even pity is okay sometimes, it’s better than feeling like nobody gives a shit that I’m crying, in pain, alone, that I may need a hug, or may need to feel like someone cares, because it seems like nobody does.
I hate it when I’m visibly in pain and people just walk by like whatever.
I want to tell him but I don’t want to need pity, and I don’t want to ruin how he feels right now. I want to follow his emotions but It’s hard enough to fake it when I’m not bawling like an idiot, but I must be pretty good at it because he doesn’t seem to notice too much.. Other than the occasional typing mistake. I can set it up so that he asks whets wrong, but I don’t want to. I probably will, but I don’t want to.
I want to hear him so badly…but I want to let him sleep, if he doesn’t ask what’s wrong, and when I do let him sleep, I’ll be crying myself to sleep because I had to stop talking to him, and I’m afraid he wont talk to me again when he’s not tired. I’m always so scared he doesn’t really care. That the only time he can really talk to me is when he’s really tired or Drunk.. I just cant let him go, no matter how much it hurts not to talk to him or make him mad, I want to hear him so badly, I’m so scared I wont hear him again. I saved the messages he left a while back so that when I needed I could hear him, even if it’s the same messages over and over again, at least he sounds happy, because I cant stand it when he’s not. And I cant take it when we aren’t talking. I don’t know why I need him so much. I keep wanting to say it’s love, the real kind. But I cant because I don’t know for sure and nobody can tell me. I want to know what it would be like if we had never met, but I’m scared that if we hadn’t met then I would have never found someone I actually loved, if it is love. Then I say something sentimental and he stops -------------
When he calls I freeze, I pause before I can answer the phone, when I finally do the sweet sound of his voice makes me melt inside.
I cry harder, silently so he doesn’t hear.
He asks me what’s wrong, he’s never asked it like that before..
It’s exactly what I needed to hear.
I never actually get the chance to tell him, I wanted to but I just kept my mouth shut.
He finally realizes I’m crying, not tired. He says I sound so sweet…..

To Be Continued..