Truth

There will probably be mixed reviews about this post. Some calling me a hypocrite, some agreeing, and of course those that don't really read it but criticize anyway just to be a pain in the ass.
But...What happened to all the truth?

In my life..I've had the misfortune to run across many liars..actually, most of the people in my life are liars. Except those proud few people I hold closest to me. It has also been my misfortune...rather, my stupidity I guess...To believe the things that these people say. I am not pure. I tell lies, and I'll admit that to anybody who asks. I try to avoid it as much as possible, but it is part of human nature. But for some reason.. I keep believing these lies that people tell me.
Important things...Like "I really do care about you." and "Your secret is safe, I would never tell anyone, what are friends for?"
And honestly...I'm broken from it. I have no trust. I wish I could say that I just brushed it off and moved on with my life, but honestly, it's really hard to do that. I don't know if anybody else out there feels the same way, but when somebody tells me something like "I care about you" or shows some sort of affection, I take it to heart. I believe that if you're going to say something like that there is a reason, and I connect myself to that person...I guess..I'm not sure how to phrase that.. I feel as though if somebody cares for me, I should care about them, and it should be an honest thing. In the same sense, When I say I care about somebody, I mean it. I don't think emotions like that should be tossed around like a child's toy.
And when somebody lies about that sort of thing...
It's like all the emotion I felt seems pointless, almost as though I am pointless, just a thing of entertainment. It literally pains me to have my heart broken in such a way. A physical pain.
I think that...even if you don't want to hurt somebodies feelings..telling them that you don't care for them is so much less painful than continuing to fake like they are important to you.

I am the kind of person that does not like causing other people pain...Part of my life is to make people happy. So I know how hard it can be to tell someone you don't care about them. And I made the mistake of pretending once. I didn't realize how much pain I cause that person until the same thing happened to me. Then it happened again....and again...and again.
I see now that, instead of making that person suffer for so long, it would have been far less painful if I had just been honest.
And now I'm suffering again. I told myself I deserved it, the first time is happened to me..and the second..and..I still want to say that I deserve it. I'm told that I don't, but I really feel deep down...that I don't deserved to be loved. In any way. I almost feel guilty when I am. I feel like..I need to prove that I deserve affection. Yet..I don't know how to..
When I'm attached to someone...it's fully. Not just "Oh yes, I love him." and the next week "Oh, he's old news." When I make a connection with somebody...I put all of myself into that bond. It makes me feel whole to make them happy, to see them smile. Any compliment ever said couldn't match the satisfaction and the fulfillment of hearing them say "You make me happy" or "I feel special when I'm around you"
Because, when I'm with someone, their happiness makes my world. I will give anything.

Which is why I don't understand...How someone can lie about caring about someone..
How someone can turn that affection and emotion into a game. Or a fling. I don't see how people can say "oh, well since I'm here, I'll pretend I like them so I can have their companionship" but after a week, just let it go like it never really mattered. And feel nothing.
How can somebody do that and feel nothing at all about it. No guilt, no sadness. I don't know how someone can sleep kn owing how much pain they cause someone else, how they can have pleasant dreams when they person they've lied to lays in bed crying themselves to sleep, wishing they weren't alive because they feel worthless and used.
They ask themselves if they will ever have something real. And from that moment on..they can never fully open themselves to someone again because they're so afraid, so afraid that once they do, that person will just toss them aside again, raping their emotion and leaving them for the next person.
And because they can never open up, they can never have something real. That fear prevents them from being loved. They feel like they don't deserve the affection their give, like taking it makes them greedy, or needy. It ruins people. And those people have nowhere to go.

There is no way to talk about something like that, because, if you haven't felt it for yourself, you wouldn't understand the amounts of pain these people suffer through. The emotional pain gets so intense that it creates a physical pain. These people lay in their beds at night, in agony. Thinking that they will always be laying there alone, never having somebody to share that companionship with. Never having the comfort of waking up to a smiling face or falling asleep in somebodies arms. The fear of being alone, in my opinion, is one of the most painful fears of them all. Because if somebody is lied to..then finds something that feels honest, they will cling to that with all their hope. They hold on to it so much that eventually they lose it, because they tried too hard to keep it alive. It's almost like hugging a puppy so hard that it suffocates. And the sadness created by it is almost the same.
The pain can ruin a person..permanently. All because of a little lie. Instead of somebody being honest, they pretended to feel something.


And the people that are lied to....never lose the hope that maybe the person that lied to them...maybe there was a bit of truth in the lie....maybe someday it will be the truth. They cling to this hope, knowing it's the only thing that keeps them from losing everything. The weight of it all barely balanced out by this hope..


Whats the point of all of this crap? I don't want anybody else to have to feel that pain. If this stops even one person from lying about something like this..Then it spared one person from having the rest of their life changed by something so small...


I'm sorry it's a lot of rambling...but there's really no way to put this kind of thing into words that express the importance of it. But nobody really reads this anyway.