Deepest Feelings

They were right, I need to stop. But I cant find a way to tear myself away from him. I don’t know why I’m so screwed up or why I cry about him, I haven’t even met the guy.
My stomach always flips when I see his name on my phone, and somehow, even when he says something that hurts me, I cant help but want more. At least he’s talking to me, and when ever he says he’ll leave me alone because I seem upset I get so afraid. I don’t want him to leave me alone, I don’t want him to stop talking. I’m scared of being without him, and when he says he wont leave, I can never find anything to say, I always come up with something stupid like “ thank you” or “I’m sorry” and what hurts the worst is when he replies with one word answers, like “yup” or “sure”. I can never find anything to say back. I always end up saying I’m fucking sorry even though I know it pisses him off, but what am I supposed to say when I do something wrong?
I’m too afraid to tell him whets really the matter, I’m too afraid I’ve become too attached to him. I’m afraid he doesn’t feel like that…or never really did..
I’m too attached, but I don’t know how to stop, or even if I want to stop.
I’m just really scared…scared that I’m not good enough, scared that he was only saying it to make me feel better, scared to do anything or believe anything because I’m scared of being hurt. I’m scared of being vulnerable, I’m scared or embarrassing myself by putting myself out there to be shot down. I’m always afraid and I always have been.
I hate it when I cant find anything to say or I say something stupid because I’m so afraid he’ll stop talking to me again, and when he says something nice I till cant ever figure out what to say back because I’m afraid I’ll say the wrong thing and upset him again. If I’m crying because he isn’t talking to me and then he says something, I cry harder because I’m so happy and so scared and so surprised all at the same time. And I don’t know what to say, not just because I’m afraid, just because there’s nothing that comes to mind. If there’s something there, I just shove it away because it’s stupid or it isn’t good enough. So I just throw something in there and ..I don’t know, it’s either stupid or makes me sound like I don’t care. I want him to call when I’m crying like this, but at the same time, I hate crying, and who wants to talk to some cry baby anyways..
I just miss hearing his voice, and it makes me feel so much better to hear it but I don’t want him to hear me like this, especially when he cant do anything about it or…if he doesn’t care.. I hate thinking like that, because I want with all my heart and soul to know he does and to believe him fully when he says he does.. But there’s always, always doubt. I don’t know why. Maybe because all my life I’ve felt as though people look at me differently then they look at everyone else, and the different isn’t good.
It always seems like they’re looking only at my flaws, and nobody bothers to look at anything else, so every time someone-especially him- says something good about me, I never know how to react, because there’s always that feeling that they’re saying it out of pity. Then there’s times when he says something, that goes against something he’s said before…like something about how he couldn’t remember what some pictures looked like…then when he isn’t thinking says something about how they looked… then it seems like he’s trying to cover it up.
These are the kind of things that I notice, things that I think make me suspicious about everything else. Then he starts with the one word answers again…and I get scared. Even if things seem suspicious, at least he’s talking to me and acting like he cares. And I don’t want to let that go. I want to tell him so badly that I’m crying because I want so badly to feel like he cares, but I don’t know how, when he seems happy and I don’t want to kill that. I guess even pity is okay sometimes, it’s better than feeling like nobody gives a shit that I’m crying, in pain, alone, that I may need a hug, or may need to feel like someone cares, because it seems like nobody does.
I hate it when I’m visibly in pain and people just walk by like whatever.
I want to tell him but I don’t want to need pity, and I don’t want to ruin how he feels right now. I want to follow his emotions but It’s hard enough to fake it when I’m not bawling like an idiot, but I must be pretty good at it because he doesn’t seem to notice too much.. Other than the occasional typing mistake. I can set it up so that he asks whets wrong, but I don’t want to. I probably will, but I don’t want to.
I want to hear him so badly…but I want to let him sleep, if he doesn’t ask what’s wrong, and when I do let him sleep, I’ll be crying myself to sleep because I had to stop talking to him, and I’m afraid he wont talk to me again when he’s not tired. I’m always so scared he doesn’t really care. That the only time he can really talk to me is when he’s really tired or Drunk.. I just cant let him go, no matter how much it hurts not to talk to him or make him mad, I want to hear him so badly, I’m so scared I wont hear him again. I saved the messages he left a while back so that when I needed I could hear him, even if it’s the same messages over and over again, at least he sounds happy, because I cant stand it when he’s not. And I cant take it when we aren’t talking. I don’t know why I need him so much. I keep wanting to say it’s love, the real kind. But I cant because I don’t know for sure and nobody can tell me. I want to know what it would be like if we had never met, but I’m scared that if we hadn’t met then I would have never found someone I actually loved, if it is love. Then I say something sentimental and he stops -------------
When he calls I freeze, I pause before I can answer the phone, when I finally do the sweet sound of his voice makes me melt inside.
I cry harder, silently so he doesn’t hear.
He asks me what’s wrong, he’s never asked it like that before..
It’s exactly what I needed to hear.
I never actually get the chance to tell him, I wanted to but I just kept my mouth shut.
He finally realizes I’m crying, not tired. He says I sound so sweet…..

To Be Continued..