Mightnight Writing

Well here I am. I honestly cant figure it out.. I cant tell if you actually cared or if it was all just a bunch of bullshit. when you said you loved me, did you actually mean it? Or were you just saying it for fun. Was it some stupid little passtime, was there anything there at all? Because the way you are now... Honestly I believe it was all a lie. You dont talk to me, and chances are, you never will again. All because of what..You're busy? Good excuse. You would think that if a person really loved someone, they would take time to talk to that person at lease..once a month? Maybe I was stupid. Maybe I shouldnt have fallen for it at all, but what was I supposed to do, just ignore the fact that I love you? not fall for it when you finally said you loved me after i'd waited so long, through all your other girlfriends, all your shit untill you finally said what I had been waiting to hear?
All those happy months seem to have ment nothing to you, when they ment the world to me.It's what i lived for, hearing your voice, making you laugh.. but then you stopped talkign to me, and refuse to now. Where the fuck does that leave me? Three years of waiting, four months of bliss, all to be forgotten? what kind of sick game is that. Fuck with someones heart then leave them in the dark? Do you even know or care about the fact that i've cried over you? More that once even. That i've thought more, dreamed more, and wanted more with you that I everhave for anyone else before. I guess I set myself up to fail with you. I never seemed to make you happy for long anyways. Who knows, it might have even been a pity thing. A pity thing that's ruined every chance of me ever trusting myself with anyone again. i thought I had gone through this enough. I honestly thought you wouldnt do this to me, I guess I was wrong, you're not just like them, you've made me feel worse. Congratulations. And we never actually went out. That should have been my first sign. It was all promises and words, and when the time finally came you didnt want to see me. It would have been so much easier for both of us to break my heart face to face than to draw it out like this. Then again, I guess I would be the only one to benifit there. Then I would actually know what the hell is going on, and you would have the weight of seeing the life leave me and you toldme you didnt want to talk to me anymore, then again, i'm not sure it would have bothered you. I thought you would have known what would happen if you did this to me, leave me alone like this. At lease you should have guessed, by the way I felt about you and what I said. I guess not because here I am.
You taint everything I do, I cant go anywhere or do anything without asking myself if i'll ever hear from you again. If i'll ever see you. Even if you're happy at that moment in time. Isn't that fucked up? As much as I'm dying right now, I still want you to stay happy. I want you to be enjoying yourself with whatever you're doing. I want you to sleep peacefully on the nights I cry myself to sleep. I want to hate you and blame you for everything, and never forgive you, but the fact is, i've already forgiven you. Theres no way I could hate you, I keep blaming myself. Defending you from myself. I always find something i've done wrong to explain why you're doing this. Hell, I dont even know if you know that you are. I want to think you do, but the part of me thats hoping you'll suddenly return says you dont, and you dont mean to do this to me. Guess which one's winning.
I really dont want to feel like this anymore. I want you back. I get that you're busy, but please... I cant take this,i need to know whats going on, I need to hear you say it, even if it's that you moved on and got over what it was.
Thats a lie.... I want you to come back. Please just come back, I dont know what to do anymore,i keep thinking about all these promises you made to me, everything you said you wanted. I'll do anything to have that back... I cant hate you, I cant blame you and i've already forgiven you. I dont know what else to do.. If you're not going to love me, please help me. I always said i'd be there for you no matter what..now I need you.
Please...